On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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