I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
