Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
