Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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