Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
