I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
