she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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