I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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