I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
