I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
