I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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