I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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