You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
