My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
