the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
