I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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