I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
