I accidentally had phone sex last night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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