4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize