Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
