I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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