just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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