im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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