Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
