Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
