My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
