that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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