Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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