glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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