; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize