Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize