i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
