I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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