guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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