I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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