i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
