And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
