my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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