I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
