My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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