I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
