it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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