70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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