Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
