I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
