I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
