Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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