The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
