I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you had me at cake vodka
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
