Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
