why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
