I wannas sexs uuuuu
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
