Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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