So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
