Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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