phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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