Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
