i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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